How to Hang on to Happiness: 4 Myths and 5 Real Strategies
Is there a way to stay joyous?
Let’s start with four myths:
- “Don’t worry, be happy”
This misunderstanding has us indulging in all kinds of “if only” thinking —that erasing one bad thing in our lives will necessarily make us instantly happy. “If only I had a better job, I’d be happy.” “If only my relationship to my lover/spouse/parent/sibling were better, I’d be happier.” "If only I made more money, I’d be happier.”
In fact, two separate behavioral systems govern our reactivity to positive and negative events in our lives so that worrying and being happy operate independently.
- Happiness can be lasting
You know how you’re positive that one thing—a promotion or a new job, a new house, a new relationship, a Jaguar or a Chanel bag—will make you happy? Well, it will for a time but then you’ll get used to whatever it is and so, in a matter of time, the promotion just becomes your job, your lover is lovely but familiar, the Jag becomes the car in the driveway, and so on.
Add in the fact that human beings are notoriously lousy at predicting what will make them happy (thanks again to Daniel Gilbert) and it’s not hard to see why hanging on to happiness isn’t easy.
- You control how happy you are
Read the work of Sonja Lyubomirsky, to learn about the “Happiness Set Point”:
About 40% of anyone’s happiness is governed by the “happiness set point” which is genetically determined. Your temperament and personality are a part of the set point. About 10% of the set point has to do with circumstances—although, anecdotally at least, most of us focus on our circumstances when we think about being happier (see the “only if” scenarios above), Circumstances include gender, life events, job, security, and income. Part of the small effect circumstances have on happiness has to do with hedonic adaptation.
Now, the good news. Some 40% of happiness is attributable to intentional activity—what people do for themselves. The real problem is that most of us aren’t focusing on either the right things or approaches that might make us happier.
- Counting your blessings will make you happier
fact, the grand-Daddy of these studies, conducted by Robert Emmons and Michael McCullough yielded inconsistent results when comparing the “gratitude” outlook with the control group. The preponderance of studies show that gratitude doesn’t help at all, in fact; in fairness, there are only two that show that people’s sense of well-being was increased.
So what to do? Fall on your happiness sword and give it up?
Are there ways of making yourself happier than you are at this very second?
It turns out there are:
1. Work on maximizing your happiness
The psychological term for maximizing is “savoring”.... a Study, conducted by Jordi Quidbach and Elizabeth Dunn. suggests that an abundance of something pleasurable may make it harder to savor it.
They used chocolate in their studies and found that participants in the study who gave up chocolate for a week were made happier by eating it than those who were given unlimited access to it or those in the control condition who just continued to eat their usual allotment of the candy.
Making the good things in your life more of a “treat” or a rarity may actually make you happier for longer.
2. Realize that less is more when it comes to material things
When it comes to being made happy by things that cost money —be they possessions or vacations or other satisfying experiences—the very fact that you can get them actually cuts down on your ability to savor them.
According to studies conducted by Fred Bryant, the playing field isn't precisely level when it comes to being able to savor; some of us are better at it than others.
If you can answer “yes” to the following questions, the chances are that you’re good at savoring:
Do you get pleasure out of looking forward?
Can you enjoy something before it happens?
Do you find it easy to hang on to a good feeling?
Do you store up happy memories so you can revisit them?
But if, on the other hand, you are uncomfortable anticipating things, find it hard to get excited ahead of time, don’t like looking back or tend to feel disappointed when you reminisce, you’re not very good at savoring.
3. Take action to be happier
This part takes a bit of self-knowledge and reflection because the action or goal has to be suited to your talents and abilities. If I were to embark on taking ballet lessons as a way of making myself happier, for example, I can guarantee that my happiness would decrease and my unhappiness would increase. Setting impossible or unattainable goals for yourself won’t increase your sense of well-being one iota.
My own take-away lesson—based on the research I did for my new book, Mastering the Art of Quitting—is that much of the work you need to do to make yourself happier has to do with reflecting on and knowing:
-what you should be persisting at and
- what you need to quit and let go of.
Know yourself intimately and you’re more likely to be happy. If you’re an extrovert, then being an artist alone in a studio all day long will not make you happy, no matter how much you love making art. And while the goal of getting in better shape is a terrific one, if you’re inclined both not to follow through and beat yourself up about it, that’s not going to make you happier either.
Set goals that are attainable; break them down into baby steps, if you need to. Fitting your talents to your goals is also key to achieving “flow.”
4. Take a leaf from the George Bailey Playbook
Yes, I’m referring to the movie It’s A Wonderful Life, that movie played incessantly during the holiday season. But it’s also the title of a terrific research paper that is both jazzy and completely counter intuitive. The researchers Mink Yung Koo, Sara Agoe, Timothy Wilson, and Daniel Gilbert (the latter two are gurus on the subject of happiness) asked a simple question:
Was it how people thought about a positive event that mattered?
In other words, what if, instead of counting your blessings, you subtracted them? (Which is what the angel shows George in the movie.) Guess what? For example, in their fourth study which examined romantic relationships (and all the participants were in relationships they considered satisfying), they had participants either write about:
i - how they met, how they started dating and the like or
ii- write about how they might not have met or ended up together.
It’s the second—the exercise of subtraction—that yielded the increase in positive affect.
So, if you want to feel happier about someone or something in your life, journal or think about your life without that person or that experience.
5. Work on managing your negative emotions
While positive and negative affect are governed by different behavioral systems, there’s no question that being on a more even emotional keel will actually make your happiness last longer, especially if you’re given to ruminating or worrying.
As suggested by the work of Ethan Kross, Ozlem Auduk, and Walter Mischel, a winning strategy requires two steps to help you manage the fallout from a bad experience. First, you have to step away, choosing a distanced perspective, almost as if you are seeing the experience happen to someone else in your mind’s eye. (Many of us tend to “relive” the experience, which only immerses us in it again, and inevitably stirs up the same negative emotions.)
Then, instead of focusing on “what” you were feeling —which, again, thrusts you back into the moment and is likely to make you re-experience the anger, frustration, hurt or whatever emotion you felt initially—you need to focus on “why” you were feeling it. In combination with the distanced perspective, this is a more analytical and hence “cooler” (as opposed to emotionally “hot”) response.
Understanding why—“Because my spouse/lover/friend dismissed my feelings,” “Because I was tired of being told to ‘get over it’" and the like—takes us into heart of our feelings and helps us deal with them.
6. Focus on getting into "Flow"
I’m drawing on the work of Mihalyi Czikszentimihalyi here, as articulated in his book, Flow, which asserts that deep involvement and connection are the way into enjoyment and happiness. “Flow” is what a writer feels when the work is going well, when a runner hits his or her stride, when an artist knows that the sketch just finished is the sketch but flow can be experienced by anyone in any line of work or any activity.
Czikszentimihalyi delineates elements that characterize flow, among them—and this is important—doing something for which you are well-suited (in other words, your gifts and talents are equal to the challenges of the activity), that the activity provide immediate feedback (you can see that you are making progress or that what you’re doing is good), and that you get so involved as to be able to remove yourself from the worries and frustrations of life. Choosing your activities with flow in mind will increase your sense of well-being.
There is much in the digital age that removes us from flow, especially the constant interruption of texts, messages, and email. I notice it in my own life and I wonder about people who, faced with constant distraction at work, may actually have jobs that should put them in flow but don’t experience it anyway.
Happiness and enjoyment, according to this research at least, require immersion.
Biblio:
Gilbert, Daniel. Stumbling on Happiness. New York: Vintage Books, 2007.
Lyubomirsky, Sonja, Kennon Sheldon, and David Schkade, “Pursuing Happiness: The Architecture of Sustainable Change.” Review of General Psychology, vol.9, no.2. 111-141.
Emmons, Robert A and Michael E. McCullough, “Counting Blessings Versus Burdens: An Experimental Investigation of Gratitude and Subjective Well-Bring in Daily Life.”Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, vol. 86, no. 2 (2003), 377-389.
Bryant, Fred. “Savoring Beliefs Inventory (SBA): A Scale for measuring beliefs about savouring, “ Journal of Mental Health, vol.12, no.3 (2003), 175-196.
Quoidbach, Jordi. and Elizabeth W. Dunn, Give It Up: A Strategy for Combating Hedonic Adaptation. Social Psychological and Personality Science. published online 31 January 2013 DOI: 10.1177/1948550612473489
Koo, Minkyung, Sara B, Agoe, Timothy D. Wilson, and Daniel T. Gilbert,” It’s a Wonderful Life; Mentally Subtracting Positive Events Improves People’s Affective States, Contrary to Their Affective Forecasts.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, vol. 95, no.5 (2008), 1217-1224.
Kross, Ethan, Ozlem Ayduk, and Walter Mischel. “When asking "why" does not hurt: Distinguishing rumination from reflective processing of negative emotions.” Psychological Science, 16, vol.9 (2005), 709-715.
Czikszentimihaly, Mihaly. Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience. New York: HarperPerennial, 1990.
